Sunday, October 13, 2013


It’s not ‘til I get home, walk into my empty house, that the reality starts to sink in. My husband had an affair. An affair. Saying it over and over in my head doesn’t weaken its meaning. What a dumb word to describe—this. What he did. Affair seems too formal, too politically correct, to encompass what it really means. It’s bullshit! That’s what it is. Pure, heart wrenching, holy-shit-this-is-not-happening-to-me bullshit!

How will I tell my parents? My friends? The girls. This will devastate them. Am I going to be divorced at twenty-eight years old? How did I miss the warning signs? What did I do to deserve this?

I collapse on the couch, already tired from the unremitting tears and the questions popping up like microwave popcorn in my head. I cry so hard my body shakes, trembling and convulsing. I run to the bathroom because the sobs have lodged themselves in my throat, causing me to gag and heave. I fall down to my knees in front of the toilet and spew my guts up. I’ve had stomach flus, drunken wild nights, and morning sickness, but vomit has never left my body this violently before.

I rest my head on the toilet, giving in to the self-inflicted mental and physical beating I’ve just taken and I hear the sound of the front door slam shut, followed by frantic footsteps.

“Mia, baby? Mia? Where are you?”

If I had the energy to get up and lock the door I would. I would lock myself in here until the hurt and disbelief vanish, but there’s no telling if and when that will ever happen.

A few seconds later, Declan is at my side, rubbing my back. “Are you okay?”

Yes, Declan, I’m perfect. Just fucking peachy. “Get the hell out. Leave me alone.” If only it were that simple. I actually don’t want him to leave me alone. I never wanted him to leave me alone, and ironically, now that he’s done the unthinkable, that’s what I’m going to be – all alone.

Declan’s crying now. I don’t think I’ve ever seen him cry. It’s unsettling, even if I want to see him hurt as badly as I’m hurting. “Mia, I’m sorry. I don’t know what else to say, but I want to talk to you about it. I need to make you understand.”

“Understand what, Dec? You lied to me. You cheated on me. You…ruined our marriage and our family…for one night with some…whore. I can’t believe these words are coming out of my mouth. Why Declan? I need…to understand…why?” The sobs distort my speech. I can’t even get the words out without insufferable sniffling.

“There is no explanation, Mia. But you’re not letting me talk. It’s not what you think. I didn’t…”

“You know what, spare me all the details and just get the hell out.”


“GET OUT!” I scream so loud my throat feels raw. “Get out, get out, get out!” I can’t say it enough. I need him to leave. I can’t hear one more word out of his mouth. The mouth that was mine, that has now been all over someone else’s body. The thought disgusts me so much I start to wretch again, spilling out more, emptying my body to match the same empty feeling in my heart.

By the time I’m finally done, Declan is nowhere to be found. 

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